Sorry, Not Sorry
“I’m sorry it took so long for me to get back to you.” “Sorry, can I slip past you?” “I’m sorry that I’m crying.” “I’m sorry, but this isn’t what I ordered.” “Sorry, I don’t have time for that right now.” “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.” “I’m sorry to bother you, but I have a question.”
Sorry, sorry, sorry. How many times does this word slip past your lips in a day? I’m willing to bet it’s a lot. For me, I became aware that I’ve been saying it excessively and quite frankly, inappropriately most times. I bumped into my refrigerator the other day and said, “sorry.”
Over apologizing can mean many different things for us. It can be a way of coping with anxiety and emotions of fear, nervousness, and worry. It may be rooted in feelings of low self-worth, perfectionism, people-pleasing, or fear of abandonment and disconnection. When we over apologize, we may feel prone to taking responsibility for other people’s actions. Saying “sorry” may be a habitual and reflexive response that has derived from cultural conditioning or listening to others over apologize throughout our life.
Our apologies most often come from a genuine place and a desire to demonstrate respect. Excessive apologizing, however, can sabotage us over time. When we over apologize, the apologies that are truly needed may hold less power and seem less meaningful. We project ourselves as feeling less confident and we send internal messages that feel shameful and blaming. Saying sorry too much could be a symptom of codependency where we may find ourselves enmeshed in relationships and accepting blame for things out of our control. Boundaries tend to be blurred and we may feel responsible for fixing other people’s problems.
There is a time and a place for apologies. When we’ve truly done something wrong, our apologies come from a place of greater meaning and intention. It can also be a scary and vulnerable space to enter as apologies don’t always guarantee forgiveness. You don’t need to apologize for things you didn’t do or can’t control; for needing something; for your appearance, feelings, or emotions; for not knowing an answer; or for not responding immediately.
Awareness is the first step in changing this behavior. Take some time in your days to just notice when, why and how often you say, “I’m sorry.” Reflect on how past conditioning may contribute to reflexive responses. See if you can identify triggers that prompt you to apologize and be curious about the overall context. Practice sitting in the discomfort of changing behaviors that aren’t supportive. Pause before “I’m sorry” slips out of your mouth, take a breath, think about the intention and, if needed, choose to reframe your response. Start replacing “I’m sorry” with accurate statements that communicate your point. For example, instead of, “I’m sorry I took so long” try, “Thank you for being patient with me.” Can you feel the shift?
You, my friend, are entitled to your unique needs and preferences. It’s ok if you want or believe something different than others. It’s ok to advocate for yourself. It’s ok to say no. Start showing yourself more love and compassion. You deserve to take up space and to exist!
Dayshun Stevens, LCSW